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03 ( BGM: July – 바람에 쓰는 편지 )
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The long night ended. Even after 200 years had passed and the world changed drastically, this hazy feeling of dawn was always the same. Now they barely kept this a custom, but from a long time ago, the one night during the winter solstice that felt the longest was just about a month ago and because of that, it was still pitch black during the morning hours of five or six o’clock. Figures, thanks to the darkness covering the sky, it was still dim during the day anyway.
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Without knowing when the fires will start or when the bombs will go off, the morning of a war always started early. The night guards blinked their tired eyes and woke up their comrades, and the soldiers who didn’t rest their eyes for more than a couple hours squirmed for quite a while before hearing the demands of the Corporal or the Sergeant to finally open their eyes one by one. In the midst of a gray tone heavily burdening the atmosphere, they made food, folded tents, and packed their bags. The person of the highest position at each tent listened to today’s schedule from the Commanding Officer and was delivering the news.
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The households of the least damaged neighborhoods came to get their share of food, and young girls gathered together and went out to the pump to get water, with their water bottles dangling to their sides.
People in the Government would be tightening their ties and walking to their formal meetings, and the owners of tent stores would be quickly gathering their things to get their spot on the streets that soldiers passed through.
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It was a morning no different than yesterday’s.
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And in between that, there were two people who couldn’t sleep a wink last night.
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” I saw him for the first time yesterday…. did I not? Did I see him before but I just can’t remember? No that’s not it….. that can’t be…… ”
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Below a small sand hill with an army blanket wrapped all the way up and around his head and murmuring endlessly to himself, Dongwoo looked so spaced out that it was enough for people passing by to think he was a crazy person. His eyes were fixed on the chocolate and flashlight placed by his side.
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” But why was he so nice to me? Like….. like….. chocolate, mouth…. Aaack what am I thinking! ”
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Honestly, putting a chocolate in one’s mouth was not a sin. But for Dongwoo, who spent the night with his eyes wide open, showed a burning face saying that those kinds of actions were only done by people who liked each other.
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” That person is a guy….. plus, he had thissss big of a gun with him…. ”
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Howon’s behaviors last night were actually pretty funny. Exchanging names with a stranger in the middle of wartime, feeding chocolate, saying ‘pretty’ and what not with other weird gibberish…
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” Most importantly, why is my face turning red! ”
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Dongwoo quickly sat up from laying down as he shouted. On the sand hill with no one around, only cold wind was blowing blankly. Only then did Dongwoo realize how funny this situation of mumbling to himself was, so he laughed shyly. The military unit from below was folding up their tents.
Thinking that it’ll be dangerous to remain sitting here, Dongwoo also wrapped the chocolate and flashlight with the blanket and tied it around his waist. After taking off the blanket that warmly wrapped his body, the cold wind dug through his thin clothes to let him feel that chilliness as it was. Rubbing his arm slowly getting goosebumps, Dongwoo had a sudden thought that… that person will be cold.
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” I should return this blanket, shouldn’t I…. ”
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Then can I see him again? I do want to see him……
After thinking unconsciously like this, Dongwoo ripped at his hair. Seriously, why am I like this?
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” Ey ey ey, Private Ho. What’chu doin’? ”
” You seem strange since yesterday. Are you lovesick or something? ”
” ……. ”
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” Hey dude! ”
” Ah, uh sorry. I didn’t hear. What’d you say? ”
” This bastard’s gotten really weird. ”
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” I know. Do you wanna see your mommy, Hoaegi-yah? ”
” Aaack crazy! You can say ‘Hoaegi’ to his face? ”
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His comrades chatted loudly from the side, and Howon would’ve usually flipped out hearing those words and hit the guy’s head with the back of a pot to get his mind calm again, but he was quiet today. Finally his comrades sensed something wrong and asked with a slightly serious face.
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” Are you sick somewhere? ”
” Do you need to go see the army doctor? ”
” ….. No, it’s nothing like that. I just couldn’t sleep that’s all. ”
” Really? ”
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” Really. Why are you guys freaking out because of this. ”
” Ah, what the heck. We worried for nothing. ”
” Private Ho you simple bastard, when the draft-call comes later you better think straight. I saw a minute ago that the Sergeant’s face looked like shit. ”
” …… Okay, got it. ”
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His comrades went inside their tents saying they were going to rest their eyes a little before the draft-call, and only then did Howon let out a deep sigh. His comrades called him a simple bastard or something, but actually, a tsunami was flooding in Howon’s head. Like how fully grown adults kicked at their covers thinking of the immature things they did when they were young and regretting them, Howon was also feeling a huge wave of regret of his own actions yesterday night.
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Why the hell did I do that? Howon knew well that his own personality was usually dull and lacking kindness. During his school years, even his closest friends would say, ‘You boring bastard’, and bash on him. Howon was this kind of person, but he was a bit different yesterday night. Yesterday night was probably the first time he’d ever talked that much, moreover in such kindly manner, to another person.
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「 What’s your name? 」
「 Name? 」
「I bought you bread. Can’t you tell me? 」
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Asking for a name to a citizen I met for the first time, smiling after I heard his name….
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「 I told you I’ll bring something to eat. You should’ve waited for me, not collapse. 」
「 …….. 」
「 Do you know how surprised I was thinking you were dead? 」
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What in the world does that person dying have to do anything with me.
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「 You smiled when I gave you food. It was a first seeing you smile. 」
「 We…. we only met once so of course…. 」
「 You have a pretty smile. 」
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You have a pretty smile…. Howon never dated, not even once. He never dreamed of saying such cringing words until he died. And with such slyness too, someone could’ve mistaken him for a flirting master yesterday.
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「 Just eat it when I give it to you. 」
「 ….. Ah…… okay…… 」
「 You eat well. 」
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Aaack! Howon jumped up from his spot. Am I like, two-faced or something? To have done something that makes me shudder just thinking about it, in front of that person. We’re not even dating, and plus, he’s a guy. Culture was long changed now, but that’s a little too much, isn’t it? And if that’s not enough, I said, ‘the next time we meet, let’s really speak informally’…… as if I predicted we’ll meet again. Although Howon’s eyebrows furrowed, he thought.
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But, I really do want to see you again. Dongwoo-yah.
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” Hhhh. How do I get in there? ”
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One figure lingered behind a boulder not far from the military base. Soldiers slung their heavy guns around their shoulders and busily moved around from all directions in the military station. With the war entering its fifth year, the tyranny of the soldiers became even more severe, and for Dongwoo who did not like soldiers and guns from the beginning, it was obvious that he couldn’t easily come to the front of the boulder.
A dark green blanket was tied around Dongwoo’s waist. Chocolate was a food that was given so it didn’t matter much, but he left his flashlight and blanket all to Dongwoo, so Dongwoo kept worrying, he could’ve gotten hurt because the way back was dark, or he might’ve shivered in the cold at night. After nibbling nervously on his lips, Dongwoo pulled out a piece of chocolate and put it in his mouth. He wasn’t hungry because he filled his stomach yesterday, but his body that starved for several days did not get enough energy from just a few breads. After clearing the whole piece of chocolate while glancing again and again at the direction of the military base, Dongwoo lowered his eyes for a minute.
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” Even if it’s a little scary…. still, isn’t it right that I return it?….. ”
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He made up his mind firmly and clenched his jaws. He despised the scary soldiers holding guns, but still. Dongwoo turned around half way with his back leaned on the boulder, and picked up a pretty weighted stone just in case, then slightly came out from behind the boulder.
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Rrrrrrrrrrrrrr–
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” Aaaack! ”
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Making his feet that jumped out with courage from the side of the boulder feel ashamed, Dongwoo ended up hiding back behind the rock again when the sound of sirens suddenly rang loudly.
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Rrrrrrrrr –– Assemble — Rrrrrrrrrr–
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The draft-call must’ve been dropped, and while the siren rang noisily, the soldiers came running out from their tents one by one and headed towards the biggest tent in the center. Dongwoo stroked down his surprised chest and bit down on his lips again. He tasted metallic blood from his lower lip.
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B-blood.
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His legs gave out. Dongwoo fell to the ground in his spot. Since the draft-call was given, all soldiers would be gathered in one place with big weapons on their backs. And Howon would be in there too. Dongwoo gently closed his eyes. I’m scared of soldiers. And even more if they’re soldiers with guns.
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Every time he imagined soldiers fiercely glaring at him with machine guns or big rifles in their hands, his heart beat unstably. At least for Dongwoo, soldiers were none other than bad people. Them getting angry would be horrifying, and even their smiling faces would seem hypocritical to Dongwoo.
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Dongwoo thought of Howon’s face. And Howon too, was a soldier with a gun and was in the crowds of those horrific soldiers. But Howon was different. Even when I saw him for the first time, the thought of, ‘he’s a peculiar person’, came to my head first instead of, ‘I should run away’, And him smiling yesterday was not so much hypocritical but it was nothing more or less than a simple friendly and gentle smile. In the time I was together with Howon, the heavy gun slung on his back didn’t bother me at all.
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Ever since the start of the war, this was the first time I was thinking of liking someone, and I wanted to see that person again. Howon was a weird person. Dongwoo reminisced back to the behaviors that Howon made towards him again.
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And he made a conclusion. Howonnie is just a person that was weirdly nice to me, and that’s why Howonnie is a weird person. That’s all.
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Meanwhile, Howon was in the crowd that stood in a strict line and was listening to the boring lecture of the Commanding Officer. The Commanding Officer was going on and on about how they successfully catered the food and delivered them, but completely different thoughts were filling Howon’s head. Originally, the army’s smallest base was a Unit, then a Platoon, then a Company. But after the outbreak of the war, every young man above the age of 17 got drafted into the military that this long tradition had changed quite a bit. The concept of a platoon or company disappeared, and about a 100 people worked in a unit. One unit never split and stayed together no matter what the situation was, and the level and organization of the units changed every six months.
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As soon as Howon’s 18th birthday passed he enlisted in the army, and the people who he met back then were the troops he was with now. One year had not fully passed yet, so the members of the unit lived together for many months with the same level. It was no question that the friendship between these troops were strong. And the soldiers’ trustworthiness did not stop there but went further to think about the whole world– that they were putting all of the population at stake– which made them have self-esteem and empathy. The war running for five years now made the soldiers very selfish. The soldiers ignored those who couldn’t become soldiers– females and the disabled, and citizens roaming around the battlefield. With the mindset of, They can’t even fight for our country and yet they’re living such a pathetic life, the soldiers pressed down on the citizens for years. Of course Howon was one of those soldiers, and even though it wasn’t as harsh, Howon also had an inclination to degrade the citizens.
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And Dongwoo, who he met yesterday, seemed like a lost citizen in anyone’s eyes. Normally, it would’ve been usual to glance once as if to degrade him and pass by with a more-confident-than-usual kind of strut which was a signature walk by the soldiers, but he felt quite a heart for that citizen. The person that thought of theft as a big crime seemed helplessly kind, and him being flustered by my every word and turning red was cute. In the time I was together with Dongwoo, the truth that he was a pitiful citizen starving to death did not bother me at all.
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Ever since the start of the war,this was the first time I was thinking of liking someone, and I wanted to see that person again. Dongwoo was a weird person. Howon reminisced back to the situation Dongwoo was in again.
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And he made a conclusion. Dongwoo was simply a weirdly kind and pitiful person, and that’s why Dongwoo is a weird person. That’s all.
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” The Commanding Officer finally lost his mind. ”
” Tell me about it. We’re just plain soldiers who finished catering food last night. There’s no way we could do such a thing correctly. ”
” If something goes wrong I wonder how I’ll be able to face my parents again. ”
” Forget it, if something goes wrong we can never see our parents’ faces again, dude. ”
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As soon as the draft-call was dismissed, Howon’s unit fell into a state of panic. The Commanding Officer was crazily blabbing about the food catering mission, then suddenly went off in a weird tangent. Listening in on his comrades words without saying a word himself, Howon thought of the Commanding Officer’s husky voice a minute ago that surprised the whole unit. As you were able to see from delivering the food, the war zone nearby is in a state where the allies are getting slowly defeated, and the Commanding Officers of the units in combat said the Government gave them permission to request volunteers, so our unit tonight is immediately going to,
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” I mean, what’s with the sudden nighttime raid! ”
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One comrade who was endlessly shitting about the Commanding Officer suddenly shouted loudly. Phew– the soldiers who heard that shout inside Howon’s tent all sighed out together. It had been 7 months since this military life, but they had never encountered a situation like this before. They had gone into the battlefield before, but it was only for a rear-unit. Moreover, the enemies back then were weak in strength because they poured out too much energy by that time, so it was able to be ended easily with just a few volunteers of the front-unit soldiers that all Howon’s unit ever did was fire once to the scenery afar.
Howon’s unit had no Elite Agent but were plain people volunteering to help with food. But the Commanding Officer had ordered a nighttime raid to this kind of Howon’s unit. And tonight, immediately, when they were not even ready but lacking in gunpowder too. Saying fucking bullshit that he trusts our fellow troops. Trust my ass, one hit and we’re dead so who would bravely fight. Instead of worrying about how to effectively aim at the enemies, Howon was certain that his comrades were currently discussing amongst themselves with spit in their mouths about how to fit their heads well into bullet-proof vests. There were no such things as a vacation in wartimes, and no one had visited home for seven months now.
I really need it to be one full year so that I could take a vacation to meet my family, I only lived one-fourth of my life, I need to try a happy dating time and have a fancy marriage but what if I die like this here. The troops’ faces had worry written all over them.
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” Ah, I’m in need of a cigar. ”
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Someone murmured inside the quiet tent, and at those words, the troops slowly pulled out cigarettes and each neared one to their lips. Howon also pulled out a roll and lit it up.
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Hoooo–
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The white smoke could not stand against the fierce winter wind of the afternoon and shook.
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There was, a person I wanted to see.
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The sun set. The temperature dropped and fierce wind began storming up the clouds being covered in darkness. Having sat still in the same spot for many hours, Dongwoo felt the cold and loosened the blanket tied around his waist to cover his own shoulders.
From the military station that recently were dismissed from the draft-call, a short ruckus was created before quieting down dead silently. The morning was the same as yesterday, but the night is different than yesterday. Unlike the wind from yesterday night that felt as if it were warmly wrapping around his shoulders, today’s attacking wind didn’t wrap around his shoulders but it seemed to be trying to make the blanket on his shoulders fly away.
Am I wrong? Is the wind the same but I’m just sensing it differently? Yesterday someone warmly covered me with a blanket but is it because I’m by myself today trying to hold this blanket with cold hands? The wind blew with a hair-raising sound, and Dongwoo shuddered his shoulders. He was anxious. The wind today just made me anxious. As if something was bound to happen, the wind blew savagely, and scarily, like that.
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” Won’t he be cold, that person. ”
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Mumbling quietly, Dongwoo blew out a breath trying to warm his hands.
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Hoooo–
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The white smoke could not stand against the fierce winter wind of the afternoon and shook.
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There was, a person I worried about.
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Infinite 